SummerSlam 2012 Review

Last night, the WWE held the 25th annual SummerSlam in Las Angeles. SummerSlam has historically always been one of the biggest PPVs with matches like Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon and the Rock vs. Booker T. This year was supposed to be no different, having HHH vs. Brock Lesnar as the main event. Anyone thinking that now feels like a huge idiot.

Match 1: Santino vs. Antonio Cesaro for the US Title
Fun match. In fact I would say this might have been the best match of the night. There was actual wrestling in this match and fun moments like when Cesaro got a hold of the Cobra sleeve. Cesaro won the match and the US Title. Hopefully the new champion will breath some life into the belt. I like Santino but his title reigns have been rather bland. Cesaro has heat and hopefully he can make something fun come from this feud with Santino and make some new ones.

Match 2: Ziggler vs. Jericho
I did not expect this match to open up the official PPV (Match 1 was pre-show). This match was supposed to show that Jericho still has it but he certainly does not. He seemed so slow during the match and his moves were not crisp at all. It was sad to watch, but at least Ziggler still wrestled well. Jericho won with the Walls of Jericho. I feel like Ziggler tapped way too early for a PPV. I prefer the more drawn out drama where the fans are wondering if he will tap but oh well. Overall an okay match but I think Ziggler should wrestle a more abled body.

Match 3: Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
I don't even remember this match so that should tell you how it went. This story line is totally boring. Bryan won and Kane got pissed and chased him out of the arena so I assume that means this will continue. They should have Bryan feuding with Orton, not Kane. A guy of Bryan's size could work way better with Orton. Also, Bryan has heat from the fans and would help Orton get back into the swing of things since his hiatus.

This actually is a picture of Kane after watching HHH vs. Lesnar

Match 4: The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental Title
You can tell a wrestler is past his prime when he starts wearing shirts to the ring. Poor Rey. Well the match was alright I suppose. The Miz brought out some new stuff so we are seeing growth from him which is good but Rey continued his same old shit again. Oh and he dressed like Batman. Yawn. If they want Rey and Kane in PPVs so bad just have them feud together for the pre-match show and stop wasting the good young talent. The Skull Crushing Finale the Miz did to win looked a little odd but I've been watching too much Botchamania lately so I'm extra sensitive to that.

Match 5: Alberto Del Rrrrrrrriiiiiiioooooo vs. Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship
Our first main event of the night and boy oh boy did it set the bar. So the match started out as you would expect with some back and forth between the two wrestlers. Alberto threw out the Cross Arm Breaker waaaaay early into the match which I saw as a BAD sign. ADR did some awesomeness by pounding his chest and yelling Brogue like Sheamus but he couldn't get the kick out and was unfortunately countered. Now after ADR gave Sheamus a face slam to the exposed turnbuckle and a nice kick, he went for a pin but Sheamus kicked out. ADR was furious so he dragged his ring announcer into the ring and slapped him around for no reason. The ref was busy trying to get Ricardo out of the ring and Ricardo secretly threw his shoe to ADR, I think. But why would he do that after ADR just beat him up? Anyway, ADR missed catching the shoe and Sheamus smacked ADR in the face with the shoe, which is almost as brutal as a water bottle to the face from R-Truth. Sheamus then delivered the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus went for the pin and got the 3 count despite ADR getting his foot on the rope at the 2 count. Sheamus won. ADR was pissed. The crowd was pissed. This was a WCW finish. I bet someone at TNA was pissed they did not think of this bullshit.

#moneymakingscholars

Match 6: Kofi and R-Truth vs. The Prime Time Playas for the Tag Team Championship
Does anyone find it odd that the WWE is advertising Truth's twitter name which is @RonKillings, his actual name? Just seems strange they didn't make him use @WWERTruth or something. Anyway, the match was fun with good heel tag team shenanigans from the PTP. I just do not understand how the low and mid card matches are always more interesting and better than the main events. Kofi and R-Truth won the match and there was a noticeable absence of AW which, in terms of the story line, has yet to be addressed. I hope the feud continues, but the PTP either need to brush up on the mic or find a new manager ASAP.

Match 7: CM Punk vs. Cena vs. Big Slow for the WWE Championship
Fuck you WWE. Who books this shit? First of all, I do not understand why Punk is using the spinner belt. At least try to change it. So shitty. Anyway, Big Show was in control the entire match. He did only 1 fucking move for 15 minutes. He did the "Shhh!" Chest Slap at least 5 times. YAWN. He did a sidewalk slam but that was it. Cena and Punk managed to get Show on the mat and both applied their signature submission moves at the same time and Show ended up tapping out to both at the same time. Again, is this TNA/WCW?! Russo, I know you are backstage! AJ comes out and says to restart the match. Are you kidding me? Big Show tapped out to BOTH Cena and Punk. He should be fucking gone. Slow sack of shit. Show got up and delivered a choke slam to Cena and Punk and tried to pin them but they kick out. Cena gave Show the AA and Punk ran in and pushed Cena out of the way and pinned Show to retain. So since Slow tapped out twice and was pinned in a one fall match, hopefully he is FOREVER done being in the running for this belt. I never thought I'd say this but I hope it is Cena vs. Punk at Night of Champions. Shitty match. So bad.

Match 8: Kevin Rudolph vs. The Fans
How old is this dude? He looks like one giant midlife crisis. Anyway, this old guy performed the theme to Summerslam live and the Divas came out and awkwardly danced on stage with him. Rudolph applied his signature Shitty Song Vice and held it for the entire duration of the song and won the match via KO. What an asshole.

Match 9: HHH vs. Lesnar
Did these guys take notes from Big Show?! Lesnar spent the first 5 minutes applying the Kimura Lock to HHH a dozen times. That was literally the only wrestling move. Lesnar jumped off a table to deliver an Ax Handle to HHH. Yawn. HHH irish whipped Lesnar into an announce table. Yawn. Then HHH spent another 5 minutes kneeing Lesnar in the stomach. Yawn. Then Lesnar applied the Kamura Lock AGAIN and HHH tapped out. That was literally the match. For a match with some much buildup this was a fucking dud. Also, what was the point of HHH telling the ref to no make this a No DQ match? They only used that to avoid count outs. I would have thought HHH would have broken Lesnar's arm with a sledge hammer or something. What the fuck.

About 3 moves were used the entire time. It started at 9:25 and ended at 9:45. The last 15 minutes of the PPV consisted HHH crying and apologizing to the WWE Universe about losing. Cole dropped the "This is the end of HHH" line out of nowhere. Are you serious? This was a career vs career match?! Jesus! Get Russo out of there. The crowd chanted "You Tapped Out" at HHH as he left which is appropriate because NO ONE KNEW THIS WAS A RETIREMENT MATCH. I would have thought you learned how to do a retirement match after you beat Cactus Jack in the Hell in a Cell at No Way Out.

I'd look like that too if I orchestrated this piece of shit

Summary
WWE mainevents are pieces of shit. The low and mid card are carrying this company. So fucking bad. These matches are Extreme Rulez level of mediocre. This is fucking SummerSlam. At least try.

SHUCKY DUCKY QUACK QUACK

Forest of Woe: AW

On Friday, AW (Abraham Washington for those around for his run on ECW) was released from the WWE for comments he made a few weeks before about Kobe Bryant in Colorado. Now I have never been a fan of rape jokes, but to fire AW over this and allow other bullshit to occur in this company just highlights the ridiculous double standards of the WWE.

In 2003, Kobe Bryant allegedly sexually assaulted a hotel worker. If the WWE is trying to protect its PG image that means it is protecting its fans that are like 12 and under. That would mean that these kids were born around 2000 or later. The odds that a 3 year old had any idea what the fuck was going on one the news in 2003 is slim to none. So who is the WWE trying to defend here? Oh it is trying to defend itself! Well  let us look at some other bullshit that has gone down that has not seemed to ruin its image.

The Rock on live television in front of a live audience with children in attendance called the PG poster child, John Cena, a kung pao bitch. But as we all know, outdated rape jokes children will not understand are much worse than cursing in front of them.

At the last Wrestlemania, HHH crotch chopped the Undertaker in a HELL IN A CELL match where HHH tried to crack Taker's skull with a sledgehammer. The Wrestlemania before that, Taker and HHH both delivered unprotected chair shots to each other. So telling someone to suck their dick and blatantly disregarding company policies on the grandest stage of them all is okay too right? Oh they got fined? Yeah that definitely sends the right message. I bet if either of them got busted for steroids the US Senate would be okay with a fine as well. Mr. Kennedy was fin...oh wait.

One of the most PG matches in recent memory.

The WWE has PPVs involving elimination chambers, table matches, ladder matches, chair matches, and extreme rules. But of course, in the this country, violence is much more acceptable than sex. So watching Batista get AAed off a car through the floor is a better image for a child than something he does not understand. Gotcha.

And of course there is always the classic 2002 Kane raped a dead girl storyline and Edge and Lita fucking on live TV in 2006. But that was before the PG era so we can ignore it forever obviously. Oh and before I forget, Mark Henry had sex with Mae Young and she birthed a human hand on live television.

In an era mired with boring television and shotty mic work (Yeah you too Punk), it was refreshing to see a new manager who was not Vicky. To FIRE the man over the comments seems a little extreme. Fine him and take him off TV a few weeks maybe but do not fire a fresh mic talent. Your tag team division is already shitty enough. It has become the "Oh-Shit-What-Do-We-Do-With-These-Two-Midcard-Wrestlers" division. There are no real teams anymore besides the Colons, but they are Superstars talent f-f-f-f-fa life. You broke up the Heart Dynasty and Cryme Tyme to create four wrestlers who flopped in singles competition. Instead of firing the manager and necessary mouth piece of an up and coming tag team, fire your bullshit hollywood writers and start running a wrestling company that is not there to service Linda McMahon's bullshit political ambitions.

You used to be so cool, Vince

Crank and Why People Suck

I just do not understand why people do not like the movie Crank. When I tell people it is one of my favorite movies they look at me like I just shot their parents. The number one reason why people say they do not like it is because "It is stupid". Well so fucking what if it is dumb. People love the movie Dumb and Dumber and that movie as dumb and low brow as it gets. And what about Crank is stupid? No one ever has a good answer to it. One person said "He fell out of a plane and lived!" but those same people are willing to suspend their disbelief for movies like Captain America or The Lord of the Rings. 

That is how you make a fucking movie poster

Why does everyone assume that when you go see a movie, it has to be some grandiose life changing experience? Movies are made for entertainment and Crank entertains the fuck out of its audience. There is a time and a place for movies like Forrest Gump. You cannot honestly tell me you are always in the mood to watch a movie like that. Does no one else like watching a fun action film anymore? Back in the 70s-90s you could not go five seconds without seeing a new action film. These days it is all about vampires and comedies. Do not get me wrong, I love comedies but I would much rather watch a movie where a guy runs down the street with a boner so he does not die.

Has society devolved into a sexless organism that only wants things that make them cry or defines the way they think? Why is Titanic 3D a big thing? Who fucking cares. That movie was for girls when it was made and still is. Where the fuck is Crank 3D? Is there no market for "stupid" movies? Does the term stupid now apply to things that require a penis to enjoy. Actually scratch that. My mom loved Crank 2. Everyone is just too busy trying to be a refined member of society to enjoy something crass like Crank.

Yup.  The idea of a group of midgets with hairy feet teaming up with humans, dwarfs, elves being led by 100 year old man to destroy an evil ring that grants super powers and is sought by another old man who leads an army of orcs and ghosts is not stupid at all. I totally buy it. Realistic. Makes you think.

The worst part is people can say The Lord of the Rings is amazing but it is literally as mindless as Crank. The Rings trilogy does not make you think. You are simply on the ride for an adventure. The same can be said for Indiana Jones. Those movies are fun because of the set pieces and visually appealing scenes. What is the most memorable moment from Raiders of the Lost Arc? It was the thrilling temple scene, not something the writers did that made you evaluate your life or put the characters in morally tortuous situations. But for some arbitrary reason, Crank is seen as a bad movie because it does not have a realistic plot or because it does not add value to you as a person. You want to applaud the Rings trilogy for its special effects and cinematography. Where the awards for Crank? Its hectic camera angles and bizarre visual effects (especially in Crank 2) fit the feel of the movie perfectly. The scene where Chev is hanging out of a helicopter is insane and its insanity is perfectly matched by the camera angles used to show it us. You constantly feel like you are going to fall out with Chev.

But fuck it right? Let us just support what the mainstream wants us to think. If it won't be nominated for an Academy Award, I won't watch it. Thank the heavens The Artist was nominated for an Academy Award or I would have never seen a silent movie.