Hellraiser: Hellworld: Hellreview

My brother suggested that I watch Hellraiser: Hellworld and I did not like it. Films of the Hellraiser franchise are known for their gruesome death and torture scenes so it was extremely disappointing that this film had some of the tamest death scenes I have ever seen. I am in no way a fan of the "torture porn" films, but Hellraiser films are supposed to be shocking and having Pinhead chop someone's head off is lame. Keep in mind, in previous films he has ripped people's flesh off with hooks and chains in the opening sequence. On top of this, the acting is shotty, except for Lance Henriksen who nails it, and the characters are stupid but that is what all horror films have and I guess that is my issue with the movie; it is just a bland horror film.

I did like what this film attempted to do, however. The story of this film does not follow the tried and true Hellraiser formula of a puzzle box being opened followed by demons and torture. Instead, this film uses the idea of Pinhead, rather than Pinhead himself. The film revolves around a group of friends who are obsessed with a video game based on the Hellraiser mythos. The gang is loured to a massive party for the game in a giant scary mansion and then horror movie stuff happens. I assumed that at the house, the same shit that happened in the club scene from Hellraiser 3 would occur but instead the film constantly keeps you unsure about what is happening and what isn't and whether or not Pinhead is in the house or not. The film ends in a fun way which is something you cannot say about a lot of horror films. Unfortunately, the plot is better on paper than in execution. A lot of this stems from shitty writing and a film length that is too long for concept. This film could have easily been 45 minutes and been much better. There are many superfluous scenes and scenes that go on for too long.

I would never recommend someone watch this film but it does put an interesting twist on the franchise.

My Journey with James: The Man with the Golden Gun

Unfortunately Netflix's James Bond Instant contract has run out so I am forced to get the DVDs via snailmail so I'll have to go one movie at a time now.

The Man with the Golden Gun finally returned Bond back to form. The music is back, Moore does a nice job playing Bond, and they thankfully set the movie in not the United States so that god awful 70s look is mostly absent in this film, although Bond's pants still look stupid. The biggest highlight of this film is that the titular man is played by former SAS, current metal front man, British badass Sir Christopher Lee. His character, Francisco Scaramanga is a carnival act turned assassin with an avarice for gold especially in the form of bullets and a gun that can be broken down to a pen, lighter, and cigarette holder. Scaramanga works as a villain on so many levels. The most important, which has been missing in the past few movies, is that Scaramanga can kill Bond at any moment but chooses not to for the second important characteristic. Mr. Golden Gun happens to be obsessed with dueling and Bond. The opening scene of the movie has Scaramanga playing a deadly game of hide and seek with another assassin in Scaramanga's elaborate and twisted battle arena on his private island. Of course, this is where James is loured at the end of the movie and where Bond comes face to face is a James Bond mannequin Scaramanga creepily had made.

All the goofy and dumb shit from the other 70s era films are thankfully removed and this is just a solid action film. I do believe the film did not have to be 2 hours long but it did not drag too bad in the fluffing parts. I cannot think of many critisims for this film yet according to Rotten Tomatoes this film was ranked below Live and Let Die which is a stupid and boring film.

Ranking:
1. Dr. No and Goldfinger
2. Thunderball
3. The Man with the Golden Gun
4. On Her Majesty's Secret Service 
5. From Russia With Love
6. You Only Live Twice
7. Live and Let Die
8. Diamonds Are Forever

Photo credit:
http://www.movieposter.com/posters/archive/main/38/MPW-19431
http://media.screened.com/uploads/0/235/619005-golden_gun_duel.jpg

Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker's Folly

I consider Wind Waker to be one of the best games in the franchise. It is, by far, the most stylish of the Zelda franchise boasting a beautiful cell shaded art style, improved flowing battle system, and tremendous soundtrack. But for all its strengths there are glaring issues that have made me less bullish about the game.

The game, at its core, is structurally flawed and the missing pieces were replaced with content designed to artificially add game length. Clearly was content removed from the game due to deadlines. After the initial 3 artifacts are found, the game fizzles out into 2 more dungeons and a horrendous fetch quest. I would have preferred them to just do the two dungeons and then have you face Ganondorf. Instead, the designers wanted to add some more meat to the game in the shape of this bullshit fetch quest. While I found the places where the charts fun, the tedious nature of changing wind directions was really exasperated by this ordeal. Once you have the charts, you have to go to Tingle and pay him an outrageous fee of 600 rupees per chart to get them translated so you have can go out into the ocean and recover them from the ocean floor. 

Additionally, the pursuit of a grand adventure that Zelda games feel like they need to have has proven to be a detriment to many of the modern games. Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, Phantom Hourglass, etc. are filled with grand areas you need to traverse. It is especially offensive in Wind Waker's wide empty ocean that is often devoid of anything and minutes are spent inactive and just waiting to arrive at an island. I did enjoy the sailing mechanic but the wind direction facet was more bothersome than immersive and the shear size of it was too much. 

There is so much to love about Wind Waker but I always got the feeling I was only playing a part of a bigger game. I think it is a testament to everything else about this game that still makes me love it. I was hoping that the HD remake would allow the creators to insert the cut content but unfortunately that is not the case and is a massive missed opportunity.

Photo credits:
http://sickr.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/wind_waker_reborn_link.jpg
http://www.electricblueskies.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Nintendo-Dolphin-1080p-Wallpaper-012-Zelda-Wind-Waker-Link-Outset-Island.png

Legend of Zelda: The Brilliance of Link's House

I've been watching a lot of Ocarina of Time speed runs and noticed one of the coolest things about the game, Link's House.

While playing this game, I often wondered why Link's house was shown from this angle and it finally dawned on me why. This is the first part of the game where you have control of Link and is an homage to the 2D Legend of Zelda games. When you leave the house, you are physically going through the transition of 2D to 3D into the fully three dimensional Kokiri Forest. Subtle but brilliant.

My Journey with James: You Only Live Twice Through Live and Let Die

I have returned after watching the next four films and I can safely say that the first four Bond films are the highlights. You Only Live Twice is an okay movie. The only notable aspects of this film are that Blofeld's identity is revealed and an army of ninjas storm a volcano that is actually a secret hide out which launches rockets into space to kidnap astronauts to ignite the Cold War. It's the classic run of the mill James Bond film.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the first Bond film without Mr. Connery. Instead, George Lazenby does his one and only performance as James Bond. At first, I was not very interested in the film and the beginning of the film does nothing to remedy my disinterest. The film becomes bearable when Bond and Blofeld meet at some allergy research facility in the mountains. Telly Savalas, star of Kojak, does a great job making Blofeld a believable and threatening to Bond. This film has a lot of fun action scenes that have the patented over the top charm. What makes this film good is that it adds a new angle to Bond when his wife is killed in front of him. Lazenby's performance during this scene is what really sold me on the whole film and it made me wonder what else Lazenby could have done as Bond.

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd

Diamonds Are Forever is the perfect Saturday afternoon local television movie.  It is a goofy campy movie but isn't fun to watch; it is just stupid and boring. It is Connery's last performance as an Eon produced James Bond and it is a terrible way to go out. I believe the biggest tragedy of this film is the under utilization of the homosexual assassin duo, Mr. Wint and Mr.Kidd. They are some of the best Bond villains I have seen. They are bizarre, eccentric, and deadly. In the beginning of the film, they kill a majority of the characters but then disappear for the majority of the film as a newly haired Blofeld takes center stage. The Blofeld in this film is bland compared to these two weirdos and it's a shame they weren't given a more central role in the plot.

Live and Let Die is Roger Moore's first Bond movie. I was interested to watch this film because there is a lot of debate about Moore's depiction of James Bond and I had never seen his movies. Moore does an alright job. I wouldn't say his performance is memorable at all but it certainly isn't as offensive as some people believe. The biggest issue with this film is that it does not feel like a Bond film. The hideous aesthetic of the 70's is all over this film. The beautiful Aston Martin is replaced by god awful Cadillacs and Olds Mobiles that plagued that decade. The awesome European style suits are replaced by ugly 70's "gangster" attire and shitty looking pants. Paul McCartney wrote the famous "Live and Let Die" song for this film and it is played through out the film. In fact, that song is played instead of the James Bond theme through out the film which really disconnects the Bond connection. The beautiful locals of previous Bond films are replaced by shitty 70's Harlem, a street in New Orleans, a field in the Caribbean (ugly), and an underground layer that, again, stank of 70's style. 

Back row: Tee Hee, Baron Samedi, Whisper. Front row: Solitaire, Bond, Kananga.

Instead of one main henchman in this film, there are 3 wimpy ones. There is Baron Samedi, a man dressed as a voodoo spirit of death who never actually kills anyone.  I see his picture all over the place for this film which is odd considering he is only in the film for 2 scenes and is only a minor henchman. Then there is Whisper who is a just a fat guy who only whispers. The last henchman is named Tee Hee and he has a robot arm similar to Dr. No's but his somehow looks more ridiculous and fake. You can see his in suit arm where the prop is connected to his hand. On top of that, like all the other henchman, he isn't threatening. The arm is awkward, slow, and inaccurate. These 3 heavy hitters work for Dr. Kananga, a corrupt island official looking to peddle opium in the US. As a villain, he is alright but his voodoo gimmick his under played.

I would like to now address Kananga's death. To set the scene, Bond has wrestled Kananga into the shark tank that has Bond's blood in it so the Sharks are hungry. Rather than drown Kananga (it stands to reason that, as a trained spy, Bond would be able to out wrestle Kananga) or injure him enough that he cannot swim out of the shark tank in time, Bond forces Kananga to swallow (how he forces him to swallow it, I am unsure) a compressed air bullet causing Kananga to literally inflate like a balloon and burst on the ceiling. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in a Bond film and I feel it is too unbelievable even for a Bond film. The inflated body clearly looks like a balloon and the logistics of the whole thing and lack of viscera is silly.

This dummy is the scariest part of the film.

I was not a big fan of Live and Let Die as you can tell.

Updated list of favorites:

1. Dr. No and Goldfinger

2. Thunderball

3. On Her Majesty's Secret Service

4. From Russia with Love

5. You Only Live Twice

6. Live and Let Die

7. Diamonds Are Forever

Photo credits:
http://kelly.hogaboom.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/on-her-majestys-secret-service.jpg
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121229025043/villains/images/8/8d/Tumblr_lj0t77hiIO1qzoulco1_500.jpg
http://www.counter-currents.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/live-and-let-die-3.jpg
http://www.dvdverdict.com/images/reviewpics/liveandletdie05.jpg

My Journey With James: Dr. No Through Thunderball

Netflix has a majority of the James Bond films and I have decided to watch them all starting at #1 and this is my journal. I don't want to so much review the films as just discuss them in a somewhat complicated stream of conscious on these first four films. Also, spoilers.

I didn't like From Russia With Love that much. I am not saying it was bad, it was just okay. It suffers from having a complicated plot with uninteresting characters, which is also true of Daniel Craig's second bond film, Quantum of Solace. The main villains of this film were rather boring compared to Bond's other antagonists. With Dr. No, Dr. No was acting behind the scenes the entire movie until the last act. At his super badass underground island base, which was a mix of island culture, Chinese people, and bizarre HazMat outfits, Dr. No was revealed to be a half German half Chinese super scientist who lost both of his hands in a nuclear accident that has now left him with bizarre and creepy super strong robot hands. He also dresses like a total weirdo. Now compare that to the bland crazy Russian lady or the silent assassin named Red from From Russia With Love and it is like comparing Rebecca Black to Michael Jackson.

Continuing on with badass villains, Auric Goldfinger from Goldfinger is a fat German gold smuggler whose plan is to "place an atomic device containing cobalt and iodine into Fort Knox, rendering the gold radioactive and useless for 58 years, increasing the value of his own gold and giving the Chinese an advantage resulting from the ensuing economic chaos." (1)  That's fucking insane. On top of all that, he has a henchman who kills people with a bladed hat. I have a very strong bias towards this film. It was the first James Bond film I ever saw and I watched it a young age and it has had a profound impact on me. Between the "I expect you to die, Mr. Bond" scene and the legendary scene where he kills a woman by covering her in gold, you cannot get much better than Auric in my opinion. Unfortunately, the ending of the film is lacking and kind of drags which is the opposite of Dr. No.

Gives me chills every time.

Moving on to the last film I watched, Thunderball. Right off the bat, this movie lets you know it's going to be bonkers. James Bond kills an assassin dressed as the grieving widow of the assassin himself and then to escape, Bond puts on a jetpack and flies away. From there is just escalates. The main villain, Emilio Largo, is an eye patch wearing, leather faced Italian man obsessed with sharks. The plot of film continues the insanity where Largo has an associate become the girlfriend of a NATO fighter pilot so that Largo could have another henchman get plastic surgery to look exactly like the fighter pilot to replace him on the test flight of a plane that has two nuclear missiles on it. Once hijacked, the plan is flown into the ocean (without destroying it mind you) using underwater landing lights. The plane is submerged to the bottom of the ocean where the missiles are removed and then the plane is covered with a camouflage net. And this is also orchestrated from a yacht that has a special door on the bottom of it for the missile carrying submarine thing. Then when you thought it could not get anymore bizarre, the end of the movie is an awesome 20 minute underwater fight with 50 men in scuba gear. 

So if I had to rank these 4 films I would have the following list:
1. Goldfinger and Dr. No - this debate still weighs heavily on my mind
2. Thunderball
3. From Russia With Love.

Works Cited
1. Goldfinder (film), Wikipiedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldfinger_(film)

Hey, It's Good: Batman Forever

I recently finished Batman: Arkham Asylum which spawned an insatiable Batman thirst forcing me to watch Batman Forever the other night. I feel like this film is unfairly lumped in with Batman and Robin as the Star Wars prequel of the Batman films. While Forever ditched the signature dark and moody tone of Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns, it brought a goofy fun comic book feel similar to the television series from the 60s. The film does not take itself seriously and is filled with over acting and comically implosible events which make for a fantastic ride.

Batman Forever stars Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridian, a psychiatrist who cannot seem to keep her pants on around Batman/Bruce Wayne played by Vil Kilmer. Kilmer's version of Bruce Wayne is hilarious and nonsensical mix of stoic attitude and cheesy one liners. The bizarre contradiction, or rather two faced personality, of Bruce Wayne surprisingly works in this movie. Kidman's hyper sexualized feelings towards Kilmer adds another layer of nonsense. Kidman's first reaction to Batman in the opening scene of the film is taken straight from a porn film as Kidman finds it difficult to ignore her carnal lust and maintain a modicum of professionalism at the crime scene. Chris O'Donnell plays Robin and is bad at it. The scenes with Robin are unbearable fits of 90s teenage angst. He has a leather jacket and earring, rides a motorcycle, and acts like a version of Bart Simpson who listens to Korn. Robin could easily be removed from this film. His story arc is small and has no impact on anyone else in the movie besides himself making me wonder if his inclusion in the film was an after thought.

The real dynamic duo.

But you do not go to a Batman movie to watch the good guys; you watch it for the bad guys. The two baddies of this film are the Riddler and Two Face, both of whom act like the Joker. I assume the creators were sitting around and were like "The Joker is a great character but imagine how awesome it would be if there were two!" Jim Carrey's portrayel of the Riddler is a clear homage to Frank Gorshin's Riddler from the TV series. I do not understand, however, where Tommy Lee Jones got his influence for his over the top portrayal of Harvey Dent (Two Face). Even though both characters were essentially the same person with a slightly different mental impairment, Carrey and Jones make a fantastic team. They both play off each other's own hammy acting and chew the scenery like bubble gum.

Introducing new bad guys into films means you have to explain their origin and this film thankfully does as little as possible to explain either of their origins and focuses on the actual plot of the film. Two Face's back story is literally a 10 second TV clip establishing why he has two faces and why he hates Bruce Wayne. The Riddler's is longer but ties importantly into the overall story of the film so it works.

A lot of the establishing shots are from this angle which were featured heavily in the 60's show.

While Carrey and Jones are fantastic, I think the style of the film is what makes the film so good. I love the way Gotham looks in this film; it is a mix of 40's pop culture and society with modern technology and Blade Runner neon lights and skyscrapers. The props, music, and action sequences, like Carrey, are call backs to the 60's TV show and that is why I love this film.

According to MetaCritic, this film averaged a 50%. I feel like this film suffers from the same thing Crank does and that is people just don't get it. It is by no means an instant classic or an important film of our time. It is, however, fun and I think that is just as important. This film was created to emulate Batman's past and it does so with flying colors.

Miami Disconnection

"The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida's narcotics trade, annihilating anyone who dares to move in on their turf. Martial arts rock band Dragon Sound has had enough and embarks on a wave of crime-crushing justice."

Based on that description, Miami Connection sounds like one of the greatest 80's action films ever made, but it fails on every level to even be competent. In fact, that movie description, taken from Netflix, is a lie because this movie does not have a story. The start of the movie shows a gang of ninjas intercepting a drug deal in Southern Florida. Afterwards, we are brought to a club where out heroes, Dragon Sound, are playing their hilarious theme song. 

What is so special about Dragon Sound? They play in gis, do martial arts (Taekwando), and can play music without the use of their instruments! I understand not everyone can play a guitar (me included) but most people can make a semi-believable attempt at fake playing one. The Korean guy, Y.K. Kim (actor, writer, and producer) is playing his guitar worse than Hulk Hogan ever did. At one point, Kim is strumming the guitar twice as fast as the song. It was at this point in the movie, I knew I was in for a real treat. 

The two men who are talking during the performance are our two main villains. The Asian man is the leader of the ninjas and the white guy is the leader of a biker gang whose connection to anything in this movie is questionable at best. It is here I would like to go on a tangent. The bad guys in this film all suffer from what I like to refer to as "nWo cool" taken from the famous WCW wrestling stable whose wrestling tough guys dressed like complete idiots. 

Oh man look at how cool those guys are. Hogan is playing his belt like a guitar! My favorite nWo cool moment was when the nWo was exiting a limousine and each member had their shirts tucked into their jeans and had leather fanny packs. Back to Miami Connection, the ninja leader is constantly wearing a leather jacket with an ascot on around his neck. The biker villain dresses like a Michael Jackson music video villain at all times and comes off as a complete pansy through out the film. No one is menacing except for this one fat guy whose only threat is his sheer size. 

Tough

As shown in the clip of the performance, the biker leader does not like that his sister is dating one of the band members. He decides that he should beat the bassist up at school to break them up. This leads to a disconnected string of events where the bikers and the band fight each other. The band ends up getting another band kicked out so that the band goes to the bikers for help. So there is another fight. These fights are all meaningless because you never understand the purpose of the fights. In between the fights, the plot is hardly ever progressed or developed so when another fight arrives you are wondering "Why?"

At some random point, we learn that all the band members are orphans of immigrants. The black character, Jim, receives a letter about his father's whereabouts. He cries. It is awkward and has nothing to do anything else in the film. How does the orphan status of these people connect to the biker gang? Hey...I thought the band was supposed to be fighting the ninjas. What happened to them?

Eventually one of the band member gets kidnapped and that is when shit gets insane. Throughout the movie, Kim and their trainer preach about peace and non-violence. The last 30 minutes of the film consists of our heroes brutally killing people. While attempting to rescue their fellow band member, our heroes stab a man, crush a man, and drop the biker gang leader out of a 3 story scaffold.

Afterwards, the band gets word that Jim's father is coming into town to visit his son. On the way to pick up the Jim's estranged father from the airport, the band is ambushed by ninjas where each ninja is massacred. When Jim is nearly killed, Kim and the bassist literally lose their shirts and start slaughtering people. The bassist stabs a ninja so hard, blood squirts all over his face. Kim does some Cherkov's Gun maneuver's to slay the ninja leader who bleeds like a fountain out of his gut.

As cool as the last 30 minutes of the film were, they had no context. The band never went after the ninjas because of their gang violence as the movie description states. The ninjas are only in the first and last scene of the movie. It is revealed that the ninja and biker gang leaders are brothers but the only importance of this fact is that it explains why the bike gang hangs out with ninjas. While that is an important plot point, there is just one sentence about this connection in the movie and seems to have no importance; the film could have easily deleted this scene. Hell, sister of the biker leader seems to have no knowledge of this and neither of the brothers even look remotely related. Everything in the film is just a disjointed plot point that seems to only exist to that our heroes can fight more idiots.

A similarly weird facet of this film is the ADR (dubbing). It is god awful. There are many scenes when two people are staring at each other without moving their lips and there is dialogue being played. There are also scenes where the dialogue is nowhere close to the movements of the mouths. In an interesting twist on this horrid post production, there is a scene where the two gang leaders walk into a bar and have ADR dialogue. The actors continue to talk but the sound dialogue randomly ceases and we just have two actors mouthing at each other. 

When trying to reconcile this bizarre nonsense, I came to the conclusion that this film was originally designed to be a different movie and was re-purposed. This would explain this non existent story, awkward scenes, and shitty ADR. I decided to do some research and discovered the true tragedy of this film.

According to Wikipedia, Kim was approached by some dude with the idea to do a film with the Taekwando master. To create this film, "Y.K. Kim borrowed from friends, took out loans, spent all of his savings, and mortgaged his school to produce the film. Kim had never made a film before. Erin Sullivan of the Orlando Weekly said that Kim "had no idea what he was doing". Kim said that he hoped to find a distributor so the film would play nationally, but hundreds of distribution companies and studios rejected the film, including all of the major film distributors and several smaller distributors. Kim said in a questions and answers about the film that "Every distribution company rejected it after screening and said to me, 'Don't waste your time. Just throw it away; it is trash.'"

Kim was hopeful upon release and expected the film to be hit. However, the movie bombed hard and Kim lost a majority of his money in the fiasco. The movie was quickly removed from theaters and lost to time until some people did a mystery bid on eBay that turned out to be this film which was then re-released. The awkward scenes and ADR were a result of Kim constantly reworking the film before release to make it a masterpiece and get some support from distributors.

I think this movie had a lot of potential but while there was definitely enthusiasm for the film from Kim, it desperately needed a direction. The acting was piss poor, especially by Kim, the ADR clips are all delivered flattly, regardless of the scene context, the movie has no plot, and has the most contradictory ending of all time. After Kim and the bassist bath in the blood of the ninjas there is a final message that states something along the lines of "To end needless violence, we must practice peace". 

Here are some other random oddities about the film:

• The acting and ADR for the parking lot and beach scene make me believe no one in this film has ever spoken or interacted with a human being before.
• Who is the main character in this film?
• Everyone in the band plays shirtless but they all have gross bodies.
• In both emotional scenes regarding the Jim's father, his pants are undone.
• At one point a band member states "It is freezing outside" and in the following scene they are all in a convertible with the top down.
• The band is never all present at fights; the fights usually involve only 3 members.
• Where was the lead singer in the final hospital scene? Did he die during the kidnapping? Why did no one mourn him?
• When the group is ambushed by ninjas, Kim says "Oh no, ninjas" in the tone of April from Community implying that 1. He is not scared and 2. Ninjas are not a rare occurrence in 1980s Florida. 
• There is a scene where Kim is on stage and grabs the black guy by the nose with his foot and then rubs his foot all over his face. There is another scene where Kim is literally forcing grapes into everyone's mouth.
• Everyone is constantly embracing each other's hands.
• Everyone knows Taekwando, even the random club owner.
• They are supposed to be in college but look 40.
• Everyone on campus treats the band like celebrities.
• "They don't make buns like that in the bakery"
• There is an awkward training session with 3 of the band members where you are not sure if they are sparring or practicing. At times, Kim blatantly misses his training partner's face to insinuate training but then there is some foley work implying he is actually hitting them.

Credits:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miami_Connection

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhffCgnyaaaEuAdRj6hWUMb3X8iI-Rh2JU_MMvDKHLMES-_Ps-_drDROM87jdyBF3lE6ULWHEHQzyvMvFup60p2p7CgEPrWsaHpd69nGu1JJ-UpCy0aRsHbBzN10kjqZa1zhBCBwxC9cn4/s400/MichaelJackson_Videoshoots-Beat-It_Vettri.Net-04.jpg

http://www.austinchronicle.com/binary/cd70/MiamiConnection.jpg

http://pics.fort90.com/journal/nyaff2012p.jpg

http://www.musicboxtheatre.com/images/made/assets/stills/Miami-Connection-STILL-Bloody-Face_small_610_407shar_s_c1.jpg

Final Fantasy VII: Run of the Mill

The re-release of Final Fantasy VII has rekindled the flames of hatred for the game and I personally do not understand why this game is so often lauded or decried. I feel that a lot of people use Final Fantasy VII as the point in time when Final Fantasy lost its way. It ditched the old medieval fantasy setting the other games had and had a pretty dense story with cut scenes and flashy hair. I would argue, however, that Final Fantasy VII is a natural progression from Final Fantasy IV and VI. Cecil, the protagonist of Final Fantasy IV, is an emo brooding knight on a path for redemption and was a precursor to the emo brooding soldier named Cloud in Final Fantasy VII. Compared to the first three games, the story of Final Fantasy IV was massive and cinematic. While there were no pre-rendered cuts scenes, there were scenes acted out with sprites that actually made you feel a connection to the characters. This was furthered in Final Fantasy VI whose story is vast and follows many characters on seemingly different paths that converge on main story line. Final Fantasy IV and VI even deal with the deaths of characters that were important to the story line. The pre-rendered cutscenese, flashy summons, and melodramatic story of Final Fantasy VII is just an evolution of these tools and concepts from IV and VI using the new hardware capabilities of the PlayStation.

So why does everyone give Final Fantasy VII such a hard time? It deals with many elements that people applauded previous games for and does it in a new and fresh setting. Furthermore, Final Fantasy VII was a giant quest offering 100+ hours of content if you really want to do it. The reason for the hate, I believe, is the internet. For many people, Final Fantasy IV and VI were their first Final Fantasy game and these people have a strong connection with them. If they were young enough, some people may have fantasized about being in these games or drew pictures of the characters, but there was no outlet where these people could really be brought together. In 1997, the Internet had become main stream enough that the average PlayStation owner could find a Final Fantasy VII forum and let their mind run wild.

The craziest Final Fantasy VII fans, who write fan fiction or name their cats Sephiroth, probably experienced this game when they were young and connected with other people on forums while playing it which made their obsession worse. Imagine the amount of Cecil and Kane bullshit that would have popped up if the Internet was big back in 1991. By experiencing those early games in relative seclusion/ people eventually grew out of those games and moved on. I think the rabid Final Fantasy VII fanfare on the Internet allowed people to never get over Aerith or Cloud and their obsession and shameless devotion caused a backlash in the community that has created such a polarized view on Final Fantasy VII

Pictures:
http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Cecil_Harvey/Dissidia
http://ayb.blacksuitmedia.com/2011/09/30/578/

Growing Up: Good Charlotte

I grew up in the late 90s onwards to around '09. The years between 98-09 were some of the weirdest and uncomfortable moments of my life. From liking girls to puberty to figuring out where to go to college, it was a giant mess of hormones, emotions, and alienation. But that is growing up and everyone went through it. It is fun to think back to those years and remember who you used to be and what you used to like. So in this series I will discuss what influenced me while I grew up.

Good Charlotte released The Young and the Hopeless in 2002, which I would consider to be around the height of the pop punk craze. It was around this time blink-182 released Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, New Found Glory released Sticks and Stones, and Sum 41 released Does This Look Infected. So in the midst of these giant bands why did Good Charlotte stand out?

Good Charlotte was basically punk for pre-teens and early teens. Their songs had punk subjects mixed with an amazing upbeat pop punk tone. While bands like the Dead Kennedys appealed to an older crowd, Good Charlotte spoke to younger teens with a softer message. Just compare The Sex Pistol's "Holidays in the Sun" about the Berlin Wall to Good Charlotte's "Boys and Girls", a song about about how girls only like rich guys.

I will admit I only listened to 3 Good Charlotte songs but that is all I ever needed out of them. "The Anthem", "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous" and "Girls and Boys" are the greatest Good Charlotte songs and some of the best pop punk made that year.

Sum 41 had similar elements, but Good Charlotte was way cooler by taking a twelve year's old idea of what a badass was and turning it into a real person.

In 2002, Benji Madden was the coolest dude I had ever seen in my entire life. He had the classic punk spike head, was covered in tattoos and piercings, and had some juggalo inspired make up on. As a confused and angsty boy, I wanted nothing more than to look and be this man. I remember going to a middle school mixer and my friend showed up with his hair done just like that. I was so jealous. I never understood hair gel and still don't to ever attempt such a feat. Nor did I have the money to afford the Pac Sun clothes necessary to emulate my favorite Good Charlotte band member.

Am I embarrassed to admit that I admired Benji? No. I still think he looks cool. He personifies the '01-'04 pop punk look. 70s and 80s punk hair with a black shirt and like khaki/black shorts. I think that look is so cool. I never had the money to afford any cool clothes back then so I am forced to dress like a member of Sum 41 in 2013 with the fashion money I finally have.

blink-182 circa 2001

Disbelief: CM Punk vs The Rock

The main event of the 2013 Royal Rumble was a disappointment and a failure in story telling and I believe the blame belongs to the Rock. The Rock never made it believable that he could win that match and the way he won was not believable either. In fact, not once in the lead up to the very end did I feel that CM Punk was threatened in any way.

First, we will address the physical aspect of the match. The Rock cannot wrestle anymore. This was true last year against Cena and is true now. Let us look at a comparison of The Rock's spine busters.

Here is The Rock performing the classic spine buster. Notice how his right leg jiggles a bit when he picks up Kane and how he springs up instantly from the move like he is a spring. It is a beautiful move that he obviously put time and effort into perfecting.

Now look at how modern Rock does it.

There is no spring or fluidity to the move. It looks sloppy.

It can be argued that The Rock has bulked up since he last appearance and is sacrificing finesse for size. Maybe he cannot do what he used to because of his age and stress on his body. That may be the case.

However, it is more than just the spine buster that is the problem. The spine buster is just the most noticable representation of the issue. From the mid 90s to the mid 00s, The Rock was flashy and The Rock was fluid. These traits come from practice. The Rock has not wrestled since Wrestlemania and before that even longer. His ring rust shows and it is gross. The same happened to Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker. You cannot expect to wrestle like you used to if you only do it once a year. Training for a month in a warehouse will not cut it. You need to be in front of a crowd on TV practicing for a year to get back into the swing of things. It is insulting to the crowd to have all this build up and then wrestle a shitty match because you did not put the effort in to prepare.

This ring rust also manifested itself in the Rock's mic work. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happened to The Rock's mic work and I finally figured out why it has failed. The Rock has become desperate to be a face and to try and hide the fact that he is a annual wrestler. It is in his best interest to make the crowd forget that he comes and goes as he pleases. In 2002, The Rock was supposed to wrestle Lesnar at SummerSam as a face. This during The Rock's big movie phase and he was often dropping the belt so he could film another movie. The crowd, tired of him coming and going, turned on him and at SummerSlam, The Rock was heckled and booed like a heel. The Rock used this to make his last heel run as Hollywood Rock.

Unlike in early the 2000s, The Rock does not have the luxury of being a heel; he needs to be a face. He is competing against the #1 heel in the company and the best person on the mic since The Rock. So when The Rock returns from Hollywood and he needs to convince the crowd that he is a person of the people which is why he spent so much time trying to relate to them and pandered super hard every time he was on the mic.

The Rock and pandering is a funny thing. When The Rock hit the scene in the 90s as Rocky Maivia, he tried desperately to be a face and to appeal to the fans. The crowd turned on him because he was trying too hard to be liked and the crowd began chanting "Die, Rocky! Die!" This same situation is happening again now with The Rock.

The Rock in his prime was born from a heel persona that did not want to be liked. He said what he wanted and often at the expense of the crowd but he did it with charisma. When he switched to a face, the crowd was already deeply invested in his character and catchphrases. In 2013, we have Dwayne Johnson in the ring forcing catchphrases like Cookie Puss and Fruity Pebble and is saying what he thinks the crowd wants to hear rather than speaking as the character.

Also, when on the mic, Dwayne was clearly out of practice. He was repeating himself a lot to stall for time, he had a nervous energy, and he was not saying anything of value. His pre-match promo for the Royal Rumble was nonsense pandering that no one cared about. I do not remember one thing he said in that promo.

Let us compare 2 promos.  Here is one from Smackdown! a couple of weeks ago.

Listen to how he is trying so hard to relate to the crowd. Listen to how he seems so eager to be liked. He is trying to show emotion and interest but it comes off as fake because he is not genuine in what he is saying.

Now let's look at a promo from 2000

This promo feels right. The crowd is eating it up because he is being The Rock. His insults are funny, his speech is natural and it seems like he is talking with his heart, not his brain.

Now you put an out of practice, desperate Dwayne Johnson against the greatest mouth in the WWE and he gets demonolished. Punk's "Boxing with God" promo was a nuclear bomb on the Rock's pitiful attempt to combat Punk on the mic. Don't believe me? Watch this and tell me who won.

So to review, leading into this match, you had a desperate Rock pandering super hard to the crowd, getting destroyed on the mic by Punk, and who has not wrestled on TV for a year. Does it seem reasonable to you that The Rock would beat the 400+ day champion who has wrestled every week for more than a couple of years and is the best in the company? Logically speaking, it would not make sense that The Rock would win especially after his piss poor display of wrestling at last year's Wrestlemania.

So we get to the actual match. Starts with some good emotion with Punk and The Rock trading punches. They quickly get outside of the ring where the crowd chants Punk's name the way the millions...and millions of Rock's fans used to. Now there was some funny parts with Punk. The match had typical back and forth where Punk was in control, then the Rock was in control. Nothing seemed to be really happening in the match. They traded submissions but they occurred so early in the match that there was no sense fear or suspense.

Then the Rock tried to Rock Bottom Punk through  the Spanish announce table and it collapsed under their weight so he just did it on the outside. I know that was not in their control but it just furthered the mediocre feeling of the match. They made it back into the ring eventually and The Shield interfered before the People's Elbow by slamming The Rock through a table. Punk won. Vinny restarted the match. Punk continued to beat the shit out of the Rock and yet The Rock wins with a Spine Buster and People's Elbow. Match over.

What was wrong with this match?
1. It was by the numbers. It was nothing but a long RAW caliber match. There was not much drama in the match and there were not many (if any) nearfalls. Typically you have finishing moves done multiple times in matches like that but that was not the case here.

2. The Rock wins with just a Spine Buster and People's Elbow AFTER the Rock was beat up, could not answer the 3 count, and beat up some more. It made Punk look weak.  Stone Cold took 3 Rock Bottoms at Wrestlemania before being pinned. Punk got 1 that was not even for a pin. It would be like John Cena beating The Rock with the a backbody drop and the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. A Spine Buster + PE should not finish Punk off that quickly.

3. The story at the very end (The Rock winning) did not agree with what was happening leading up to the match and what happened in the match. Leading up to the match, Punk was hands down the better the wrestler. In the match, both men seemed to be on the same level and at the end, Punk clearly had the upper hand. At the end of the match, Rock gets brutalized by the Shield, gets pinned, gets beat up again, magically no sells these beatings, literally Hulks up and and wins out of nowhere.

And to add insult to injury this all so Cena can win the title at Wrestlemania from The Rock so The Rock can return to Hollywood and so Cena can rule WWE again. I got the feeling that WWE stepped over Punk for this. It made Punk look bad. Between The Shield's interfence these past few months and this weird finish, management has deligitimized Punk's reign by making him look weak. HHH often used DX to interfere in his matches but I do not remember being made to look this bad.

Top 10 Pop Punk Songs of My Life

This is a subjective list and all opinion based. I was originally going to get into why these songs are my favorite but this is not the place to tell the tale of my dark angsty emo teenage years. Each song is linked for your listening enjoyment.

10. "Alex in Wonderland" by This Time Next Year

9. "Getting Kicked in the Face Has Never Been So Much Fun" by Veara

8. "You're Not Salinger. Get Over It" by The Wonder Years

7. "Coffee Shop Soundtrack" by All Time Low

6. "Fat Lip" by Sum 41

5."What's My Age Again" by blink-182

4. "Hit or Miss" by New Found Glory

3. "Save Your Breath" by Hit The Lights

2. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'" by Fall Out Boy

1. "Sugar We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy

Kentucky Route Zero

Kentucky Route Zero (KRZ) is a text adventure at its core. You play as an antiques salesman making a delivery to a customer. The only way to reach the customer is through the mysterious Route Zero and the game starts with you asking a man how to get to this Route Zero. The crux of the game play involves you driving along the Kentucky high way stopping at places of interests. Places not germane to the main story line are played out as a traditional text adventure with text choices for movement, actions, and dialogue. Stops that are important to the main story are played out in beautiful cell shaded scenes and animation with scene transitions that will leave your jaw on the floor. The game the audio uses in these scenes and on the high way map are spot on. The sounds at the gas station reminded me of the days of my family’s annual road trip the southwest. The way the developer managed to capture the feel of the open road in sound is magical.

It would be an understatement to say that KRZ is immersive. I literally cannot find the words to describe how this game feels. This game made me feel the spectrum of emotions from happiness to dread but no matter what happened, the illusion was never broken.  I played the entire Act 1 on a plane and within 5 minutes, I was no longer in an airplane; I was at Equus Gas talking to the old man about poetry and I stayed in Kentucky until Act 1 was over and I was kicked to my desktop. The striking visuals and authentic audio created an atmosphere and game experience that has a taste you can’t find anywhere else.

Now I could go on and on about the cool things that occur in this game but I feel like that this happens too much in game reviews and discussion as ways to entice people into playing the game. While these “teases” do make games more appealing, I feel they do more harm than good. KRZ is amazing because of what you discover and notice that could easily be passed up by other people. It’s like The Elder Scrolls and Fallout in that way; it is a personal experience. While the audio and visuals are impressive, the Fallout moments of this game are what finally sold me on the game.

Perhaps the most important part of KRZ for me is how it made me think about story telling. In my teenage years I was fascinated with JRPGs. JRPGs are popular for one reason: story.  JRPGs traditionally have piss poor combat. I loved the idea of playng JRPGs more than I liked playing them. The combat always felt like it got in the way. Maybe this is why I have such a fond memory for Final Fantasy X, a game I never played but ingested through story summaries and video. I got everything I wanted without the annoying middle man.

KRZ is essentially my Final Fantasy X experience in a unified medium that still allowed me to actually interact with the story. While I like books and movies, they are a passive way to tell a story. You simply sit there and the creator tells you everything. Video games provide a way to have active stories where you are participating which gives you more investment in characters and the story as a whole.

This game is not for everyone but the $7 price is not asking too much and I believe that it is well worth that $7.

Where to buy: http://kentuckyroutezero.com/