Hellraiser: Hellworld: Hellreview

My brother suggested that I watch Hellraiser: Hellworld and I did not like it. Films of the Hellraiser franchise are known for their gruesome death and torture scenes so it was extremely disappointing that this film had some of the tamest death scenes I have ever seen. I am in no way a fan of the "torture porn" films, but Hellraiser films are supposed to be shocking and having Pinhead chop someone's head off is lame. Keep in mind, in previous films he has ripped people's flesh off with hooks and chains in the opening sequence. On top of this, the acting is shotty, except for Lance Henriksen who nails it, and the characters are stupid but that is what all horror films have and I guess that is my issue with the movie; it is just a bland horror film.

I did like what this film attempted to do, however. The story of this film does not follow the tried and true Hellraiser formula of a puzzle box being opened followed by demons and torture. Instead, this film uses the idea of Pinhead, rather than Pinhead himself. The film revolves around a group of friends who are obsessed with a video game based on the Hellraiser mythos. The gang is loured to a massive party for the game in a giant scary mansion and then horror movie stuff happens. I assumed that at the house, the same shit that happened in the club scene from Hellraiser 3 would occur but instead the film constantly keeps you unsure about what is happening and what isn't and whether or not Pinhead is in the house or not. The film ends in a fun way which is something you cannot say about a lot of horror films. Unfortunately, the plot is better on paper than in execution. A lot of this stems from shitty writing and a film length that is too long for concept. This film could have easily been 45 minutes and been much better. There are many superfluous scenes and scenes that go on for too long.

I would never recommend someone watch this film but it does put an interesting twist on the franchise.

My Journey with James: The Man with the Golden Gun

Unfortunately Netflix's James Bond Instant contract has run out so I am forced to get the DVDs via snailmail so I'll have to go one movie at a time now.

The Man with the Golden Gun finally returned Bond back to form. The music is back, Moore does a nice job playing Bond, and they thankfully set the movie in not the United States so that god awful 70s look is mostly absent in this film, although Bond's pants still look stupid. The biggest highlight of this film is that the titular man is played by former SAS, current metal front man, British badass Sir Christopher Lee. His character, Francisco Scaramanga is a carnival act turned assassin with an avarice for gold especially in the form of bullets and a gun that can be broken down to a pen, lighter, and cigarette holder. Scaramanga works as a villain on so many levels. The most important, which has been missing in the past few movies, is that Scaramanga can kill Bond at any moment but chooses not to for the second important characteristic. Mr. Golden Gun happens to be obsessed with dueling and Bond. The opening scene of the movie has Scaramanga playing a deadly game of hide and seek with another assassin in Scaramanga's elaborate and twisted battle arena on his private island. Of course, this is where James is loured at the end of the movie and where Bond comes face to face is a James Bond mannequin Scaramanga creepily had made.

All the goofy and dumb shit from the other 70s era films are thankfully removed and this is just a solid action film. I do believe the film did not have to be 2 hours long but it did not drag too bad in the fluffing parts. I cannot think of many critisims for this film yet according to Rotten Tomatoes this film was ranked below Live and Let Die which is a stupid and boring film.

Ranking:
1. Dr. No and Goldfinger
2. Thunderball
3. The Man with the Golden Gun
4. On Her Majesty's Secret Service 
5. From Russia With Love
6. You Only Live Twice
7. Live and Let Die
8. Diamonds Are Forever

Photo credit:
http://www.movieposter.com/posters/archive/main/38/MPW-19431
http://media.screened.com/uploads/0/235/619005-golden_gun_duel.jpg

Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker's Folly

I consider Wind Waker to be one of the best games in the franchise. It is, by far, the most stylish of the Zelda franchise boasting a beautiful cell shaded art style, improved flowing battle system, and tremendous soundtrack. But for all its strengths there are glaring issues that have made me less bullish about the game.

The game, at its core, is structurally flawed and the missing pieces were replaced with content designed to artificially add game length. Clearly was content removed from the game due to deadlines. After the initial 3 artifacts are found, the game fizzles out into 2 more dungeons and a horrendous fetch quest. I would have preferred them to just do the two dungeons and then have you face Ganondorf. Instead, the designers wanted to add some more meat to the game in the shape of this bullshit fetch quest. While I found the places where the charts fun, the tedious nature of changing wind directions was really exasperated by this ordeal. Once you have the charts, you have to go to Tingle and pay him an outrageous fee of 600 rupees per chart to get them translated so you have can go out into the ocean and recover them from the ocean floor. 

Additionally, the pursuit of a grand adventure that Zelda games feel like they need to have has proven to be a detriment to many of the modern games. Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, Phantom Hourglass, etc. are filled with grand areas you need to traverse. It is especially offensive in Wind Waker's wide empty ocean that is often devoid of anything and minutes are spent inactive and just waiting to arrive at an island. I did enjoy the sailing mechanic but the wind direction facet was more bothersome than immersive and the shear size of it was too much. 

There is so much to love about Wind Waker but I always got the feeling I was only playing a part of a bigger game. I think it is a testament to everything else about this game that still makes me love it. I was hoping that the HD remake would allow the creators to insert the cut content but unfortunately that is not the case and is a massive missed opportunity.

Photo credits:
http://sickr.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/wind_waker_reborn_link.jpg
http://www.electricblueskies.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Nintendo-Dolphin-1080p-Wallpaper-012-Zelda-Wind-Waker-Link-Outset-Island.png

Legend of Zelda: The Brilliance of Link's House

I've been watching a lot of Ocarina of Time speed runs and noticed one of the coolest things about the game, Link's House.

While playing this game, I often wondered why Link's house was shown from this angle and it finally dawned on me why. This is the first part of the game where you have control of Link and is an homage to the 2D Legend of Zelda games. When you leave the house, you are physically going through the transition of 2D to 3D into the fully three dimensional Kokiri Forest. Subtle but brilliant.

My Journey with James: You Only Live Twice Through Live and Let Die

I have returned after watching the next four films and I can safely say that the first four Bond films are the highlights. You Only Live Twice is an okay movie. The only notable aspects of this film are that Blofeld's identity is revealed and an army of ninjas storm a volcano that is actually a secret hide out which launches rockets into space to kidnap astronauts to ignite the Cold War. It's the classic run of the mill James Bond film.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the first Bond film without Mr. Connery. Instead, George Lazenby does his one and only performance as James Bond. At first, I was not very interested in the film and the beginning of the film does nothing to remedy my disinterest. The film becomes bearable when Bond and Blofeld meet at some allergy research facility in the mountains. Telly Savalas, star of Kojak, does a great job making Blofeld a believable and threatening to Bond. This film has a lot of fun action scenes that have the patented over the top charm. What makes this film good is that it adds a new angle to Bond when his wife is killed in front of him. Lazenby's performance during this scene is what really sold me on the whole film and it made me wonder what else Lazenby could have done as Bond.

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd

Diamonds Are Forever is the perfect Saturday afternoon local television movie.  It is a goofy campy movie but isn't fun to watch; it is just stupid and boring. It is Connery's last performance as an Eon produced James Bond and it is a terrible way to go out. I believe the biggest tragedy of this film is the under utilization of the homosexual assassin duo, Mr. Wint and Mr.Kidd. They are some of the best Bond villains I have seen. They are bizarre, eccentric, and deadly. In the beginning of the film, they kill a majority of the characters but then disappear for the majority of the film as a newly haired Blofeld takes center stage. The Blofeld in this film is bland compared to these two weirdos and it's a shame they weren't given a more central role in the plot.

Live and Let Die is Roger Moore's first Bond movie. I was interested to watch this film because there is a lot of debate about Moore's depiction of James Bond and I had never seen his movies. Moore does an alright job. I wouldn't say his performance is memorable at all but it certainly isn't as offensive as some people believe. The biggest issue with this film is that it does not feel like a Bond film. The hideous aesthetic of the 70's is all over this film. The beautiful Aston Martin is replaced by god awful Cadillacs and Olds Mobiles that plagued that decade. The awesome European style suits are replaced by ugly 70's "gangster" attire and shitty looking pants. Paul McCartney wrote the famous "Live and Let Die" song for this film and it is played through out the film. In fact, that song is played instead of the James Bond theme through out the film which really disconnects the Bond connection. The beautiful locals of previous Bond films are replaced by shitty 70's Harlem, a street in New Orleans, a field in the Caribbean (ugly), and an underground layer that, again, stank of 70's style. 

Back row: Tee Hee, Baron Samedi, Whisper. Front row: Solitaire, Bond, Kananga.

Instead of one main henchman in this film, there are 3 wimpy ones. There is Baron Samedi, a man dressed as a voodoo spirit of death who never actually kills anyone.  I see his picture all over the place for this film which is odd considering he is only in the film for 2 scenes and is only a minor henchman. Then there is Whisper who is a just a fat guy who only whispers. The last henchman is named Tee Hee and he has a robot arm similar to Dr. No's but his somehow looks more ridiculous and fake. You can see his in suit arm where the prop is connected to his hand. On top of that, like all the other henchman, he isn't threatening. The arm is awkward, slow, and inaccurate. These 3 heavy hitters work for Dr. Kananga, a corrupt island official looking to peddle opium in the US. As a villain, he is alright but his voodoo gimmick his under played.

I would like to now address Kananga's death. To set the scene, Bond has wrestled Kananga into the shark tank that has Bond's blood in it so the Sharks are hungry. Rather than drown Kananga (it stands to reason that, as a trained spy, Bond would be able to out wrestle Kananga) or injure him enough that he cannot swim out of the shark tank in time, Bond forces Kananga to swallow (how he forces him to swallow it, I am unsure) a compressed air bullet causing Kananga to literally inflate like a balloon and burst on the ceiling. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in a Bond film and I feel it is too unbelievable even for a Bond film. The inflated body clearly looks like a balloon and the logistics of the whole thing and lack of viscera is silly.

This dummy is the scariest part of the film.

I was not a big fan of Live and Let Die as you can tell.

Updated list of favorites:

1. Dr. No and Goldfinger

2. Thunderball

3. On Her Majesty's Secret Service

4. From Russia with Love

5. You Only Live Twice

6. Live and Let Die

7. Diamonds Are Forever

Photo credits:
http://kelly.hogaboom.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/on-her-majestys-secret-service.jpg
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121229025043/villains/images/8/8d/Tumblr_lj0t77hiIO1qzoulco1_500.jpg
http://www.counter-currents.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/live-and-let-die-3.jpg
http://www.dvdverdict.com/images/reviewpics/liveandletdie05.jpg